When talking about the hardships of military life it is inevitable that someone will at some point say, "Well, you did sign up for this." or my other favorite, "You knew what you were getting into."
For me, yes the first 13 years of Hubster's military career, I did "sign up for it." We talked about re-enlisting each time it came up as an option and together made the decision to continue on the path towards retirement.
However, after 13 years of constant separation, several surgeries on a young man's broken down body, hearing aids at 27 years old, and countless times of being passed over for opportunities to advance his career, I had had enough. So, he claimed, had he. No longer was it worth seeing my hubs come home mentally, physically, and emotionally beaten down.
So when the conversation of staying in or getting out came 'round I was all for hanging up the uniform. At the time, so was he. It was a scary thought, but it was a bigger relief. I began to breathe again, knowing I wouldn't ever have to miss him for months on end or sleep alone night after night after night. I wouldn't have to worry about my daughter being my sole responsibility. FINALLY we were going to get to be a "normal" family. Plans were made to relocate back to Tennessee and settle down together. The end was in sight, it was just a few months away.
Ha!
As always, and I should have known better, the army had other plans. They last minute promoted Hubster not only taking him across country for our daughter's entire summer break from school, but ensuring his indefinite re-enlistment and within 12 weeks he was on yet another plane headed for another foreign land to spend ANOTHER year away from us. Awesome.
Now up to this point I had done my very best to play the role of supportive wife. I strive to be the one "holding down the fort" here stateside until his return. After all, up to this point, I had "signed up for this" and "knew what I was getting into." Not the case now.
Now the dream of this decade plus long nightmare being over had been dangled in front of me then without, what seemed like, much consideration it was ripped away. Hum...no wonder I feel so very angry, resentful, and bitter.
I still love Hubs very much. He is still a good man who works his ass off for this family. Leaving him would make no more sense than a wife divorcing her husband for being a postman or school teacher or electrician. This is his job. Besides, I don't WANT to leave him, I want to BE with him! So yes, I am angry, and I do make snide comments about him still being in. I don't do it to hurt feelings, but damn it, I am dealing with this all the best I know how. That end to it all that was in sight has now been moved at least another 6 years down the road. That's six years of more time apart and more holidays alone, and more raising a child who is also so angry and doesn't even understand why. Taking the brunt of her frustrations is really NOT the highlight of any day.
Maybe, and I hope, I will come to terms with all of this and find a way to just accept my lot in life as it is. Today though, I wouldn't count on it.
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