I'd Choose Grief

William Faulkner said, "Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief."

Yesterday my great aunt left this life and joined the countless others who have passed before her.  This has sparked the thoughts of life after death, not only for those who have passed, but for those of us who are left here.

I remember when Hubster's Granny passed away. We were all prepared, we knew she was at rest and we knew she was at peace. It didn't lessen the pain of losing her any though.  Every family event since then there always seems to be something missing. Granny is not there. It's still fun and we still have laughter, smiles, jokes, and love. However, there's always that feeling that you might just look over your shoulder and see her there.

When my grandfather died almost 4 years ago it was not so painful for me to lose him as it was to watch my father lose his dad. They were so close, two peas in a humorous pod, and my own father had endured watching the man who raised him with such love and guidance wither away mentally until he no longer knew who any of us were.  His services were simple, small, and he was laid to rest in our family cemetery out in the country. It was just as he would have wanted.

The loss of our best friend in 2010 though was one I was hit very hard by. He was just 32 and was killed in Afghanistan by a sniper. It was sudden, unexpected, and the nightmare every army family fears will come true.  I entered a state of denial, shock, anger, and lived months with that feeling of a gaping hole in my chest that leaves you unable to ever fully catch your breath. I watched my husband, one of the strongest men I know, escort is best friend home to his mother and be laid to rest. It tore him apart, and it damaged us all. It is still hard to watch a video of him and hear his voice. Unlike my great aunt, my grandfather and Hub's Granny...he was so young. Not even old enough to really have lived life to the fullest yet.

So back to William's quote, the choice of feeling nothing or feeling grief. That's a hard call. I supposed if you felt nothing it is because the loss meant nothing. The stronger the grief, the more it hurts, the more they mattered to you. So I suppose, I too, would choose grief. Just as I hope that one day someone grieves for me. After all, no one wants to leave this world and have meant nothing to anyone.