Today was one of those days where every ounce of myself struggled to cope with what was before me. I had enrolled Samantha in what I felt was the best swimming lesson program in town. The program is at a facility I worked at for many years and did not leave on the best of terms from. I overcame my own issue of going back, and pushed on for the benefit of my child.
Upon our arrival Sam and I went to the locker room and changed her into her swimming suit. There were 4 kids in the class and immediately Samantha stood out like a "bad apple." She instantly wanted to get in the water, didn't understand the reason behind lining up with the other kids on the edge of the pool, and had no concept of the controlled breathing they were learning. She began to scream, splash, and generally draw the attention of everyone within ear shot. By the way, the echo of an indoor pool is deafening! I tried my best to calm her and not make eye contact with my former employer and every other parent who had come to see what all the fuss was about. The lifeguard, obviously annoyed, tried to tell Samantha that she needed to do like the other kids and sit on the step. Yeah right, lady!
Finally 12 minutes into the lesson I grabbed Sam, threw a sun dress over her dripping body and walked out the door. I cried all the way home and cussed at the fact that I just wanted for once to have a "normal" kid that could function in society without a big dramatic scene! I couldn't help it, for the 1st time ever I actually blamed Sam for all of this. I know it's ludicrous that she would be to blame, but damn it, I was pissed. I make no apologies for that. I have every right to be angry that this is our situation. We didn't ask for this and it's a day to day struggle to just survive it sometimes, let alone thrive beyond it.
We came home and shut ourselves back into our cocoon of a comfort zone. Apparently this vail of isolation has become a sense of protection for us both in a way. Some days are just harder than others and today was one of the tough ones. On to tomorrow and whatever it holds in store.
Wow Connie...I felt like I was reading an auto-biography just then. I know it doesn't make it all better, but I definitely know where you are coming from. I agree, I have found myself blaming Jace for his behavior and it's just so difficult not to. I just keep praying that I'll find something, some way to make it through ONE day without all the drama.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry things have to be so crappy some days and that the world has to be so cruel. Know that you can always call me anytime. I will always be a shoulder you can cry on because I do care!
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