Changing Our Stratgey

Samantha began ABA with a different provider last week and I am very pleased with the structure of the sessions. Her last ABA was wonderful, however, I really felt Samantha needed more challenging. She has welcomed the new provider into her world and I think for us this will be a good fit. I am learning that every kid learns differently and I have to be aware of the ways that Sam can learn with the most success.

The new provider's methods are very different from what I have been doing with Sam during her meltdowns, and while they are very hard to adhere to, they are working! It is no doubt much harder on me as the mother to stick with them. However, I know that I have to keep my eyes on the prize and not focus on the current desire to appease.

Sam's great grandpa passed this weekend and while I know she will have no memory of him, I am glad we went to visit him not too long ago. Spending that time together was very important and I am thankful we had that.

Sam's great aunt was also here this last week and Sam had a blast! Some of my favorite memories are my times with Aunt J. and I know Sam's will be too. They played, read stories, laughed, cuddled, and just generally had a good time together. It was nice to have her here to witness 1st hand what we are talking about in these blogs and our emails. She was very supportive, sympathetic, and reassuring about it all. We hope she comes back soon!

Disconnected Day

I can usually tell within the first 45 seconds of Samantha being awake what kind of day we are going to have. If she's chattering and asking for something to eat, odds are we are going to be able to conquer anything we have to do that day. However, if she is playing "mindlessly" in her room and not asking for anything, I can bet we are going to have a "disconnected day." These are the days where it seems as though someone has cut the connection between reality and communication. Sam spends most of these days reciting Backyardigans episodes she has not seen in months, phone conversations she overheard a week ago, and our nightly bedtime routine. She struggles to make her needs and wants known with words and is at her most inflexible.

This morning was one such morning. The dog didn't come inside at the moment Sam felt she should and we had a screaming fit on our hands. She spent breakfast reciting something I still can't figure out. She asked for grapes then bit into each one, made a face, and spit each one out. (Any other day she loves grapes.) Yesterday if she wanted to color or play with Play Doh she came up and asked for them. Today she ran though the house crying holding her aqua doodle pen up as if she knew what she wanted but had no idea how to ask for it. Once Matt filled the pen with water for her, rather than the usual "bank you" of appreciation, he got a tearful "sorry, daddy."

It is so strange how even though Sam is totally disconnected, she's totally aware of it at the same time. She knows when it is harder for us to understand her and meet her needs. You can see and hear the frustration coming from her. Meanwhile, my blood pressure rises and my patience wears very thin.

I finally got her developmental pediatrician to put in a referral for an MRI. I know the odds of finding some random brain tumor that could be removed and fix all her issues is one in about a billion, but I need to know that we are approaching things from the right angle and that there is not a hidden problem we are unaware of. So here's to the rest of our day, and hoping we find the connection again.

Lions, Tigers, and Bears...OH MY!

Yesterday we loaded up the car and made the hour drive down to the Nashville zoo. As we chatted in the car and giggled about the fun we hoped to have, the back of my mind was reeling about our last trip to this zoo. It was one year ago, almost to the day, and Samantha spent the entire time screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. She wouldn't stay on the little path, was too hot, wanted to run away and generally made the trip miserable. Hopes were high for this year. Daddy was joining us this time and we had spent several hours the night before discussing tigers, fish, monkeys, and all the fun it would be to see these animals. So here we were...on our way.

The cloud cover took us from a blistering hot, sun beat day to a warm, shady morning that was quite pleasant. Samantha was instantly taken in by all there was to see and do. She held our hands and pulled us from one exhibit to the next pointing at the different animals and showing excitement. She loved the frogs in the reptile/amphibian house, and the red panda that came right up to her. She didn't understand why she could not ride the goats at the petting zoo area, but moved on quickly without major fuss. My favorite part was the sound she made trying to imitate an elephant. She had several of us standing around there laughing! She's quite good!

After three and a half hours of walking and playing we loaded up to head home. The trip was a success! I don't know if it was her age, the difference in time, or just that we hit it on a "good day." Whatever it was, I am thankful for it. It was a wonderful day with family and I can't wait to do it again!

The Days Where You Just Want to Say,"To Hell With it ALL!"

Today was one of those days where every ounce of myself struggled to cope with what was before me. I had enrolled Samantha in what I felt was the best swimming lesson program in town. The program is at a facility I worked at for many years and did not leave on the best of terms from. I overcame my own issue of going back, and pushed on for the benefit of my child.

Upon our arrival Sam and I went to the locker room and changed her into her swimming suit. There were 4 kids in the class and immediately Samantha stood out like a "bad apple." She instantly wanted to get in the water, didn't understand the reason behind lining up with the other kids on the edge of the pool, and had no concept of the controlled breathing they were learning. She began to scream, splash, and generally draw the attention of everyone within ear shot. By the way, the echo of an indoor pool is deafening! I tried my best to calm her and not make eye contact with my former employer and every other parent who had come to see what all the fuss was about. The lifeguard, obviously annoyed, tried to tell Samantha that she needed to do like the other kids and sit on the step. Yeah right, lady!

Finally 12 minutes into the lesson I grabbed Sam, threw a sun dress over her dripping body and walked out the door. I cried all the way home and cussed at the fact that I just wanted for once to have a "normal" kid that could function in society without a big dramatic scene! I couldn't help it, for the 1st time ever I actually blamed Sam for all of this. I know it's ludicrous that she would be to blame, but damn it, I was pissed. I make no apologies for that. I have every right to be angry that this is our situation. We didn't ask for this and it's a day to day struggle to just survive it sometimes, let alone thrive beyond it.

We came home and shut ourselves back into our cocoon of a comfort zone. Apparently this vail of isolation has become a sense of protection for us both in a way. Some days are just harder than others and today was one of the tough ones. On to tomorrow and whatever it holds in store.

It's Official...Sam's 3!!!

Thank You!