The Misunderstood Aggression

Sam's in her favorite spot of the day (bath time) so I thought I'd take a minute to write a little. Today we hit a major rough spot and the aftermath left us both mentally and physically exhausted. Samantha has always done really well with "time out." She's complied with the rule of sitting on her little bench for 2-3 minutes and calming down. Lately though time outs have become more of a chore. She doesn't want to stay on the bench and takes it upon herself to get up after time is up rather than waiting for us to get her. Sounds like just a little push in power, right? That's what I thought too. Until today...

I told Sam to go to time out and KABOOM! all bets were off as she went into a rampage that consisted of throwing her bench across the room, screaming, hitting, kicking, screaming, screaming, more hitting, and even more screaming. This carried on for over 30 minutes. I continued to speak calmly to her as tears streamed down my face and stung my eyes. I could tell she had lost all sense of her surroundings or control over her emotions. I had to exert every ounce of energy to keep her from hurting herself, me, or anything around us. I told my husband I had to hold her so tight that I would not be surprised if she had bruises on her little arms tomorrow. (For anyone rushing to call Child Protective Services at this point, hold on, I'll get you the phone and their number.)

After her finally calming enough to catch our breaths, she looked me in the eye and began to cry. See in all of this fit, she didn't shed one single tear. Yet as she "came back" she was so sad and remorseful for what had just happened. She climbed into my lap, after her 3 minutes were up, and just sobbed . Meanwhile dinner had burned and the phone had rang 2 different times. I didn't care.

These explosions are becoming more frequent and more extreme. I am reading everything I can get my hands on looking for ways to handle these situations. At this point I may as well be trying to tame a tiger. I'm no more knowledgeable or equip for that either!

Dear Hubby mentioned how every night when Sam goes to bed how I just collapse with exhaustion and go right to bed too. Needless to say it's caused a cramp in our time together as a couple and no doubt will eventually take it's toll on our relationship. I just feel like I have 5 balls in the air and dropping one will cause it to shatter rather than maybe just bounce a little. He's right, I am exhausted. I'm tired, depressed, and worn the hell out. Bonus news: in the back of my mind I am always thinking about how he's going to deploy again and I'll be going at this on my own!

I'm in the process of trying to get approved for Respite Care. However, the budget for it has been cut this fiscal year and it may not be an option. I'm still going to try though. Tomorrow is another day and I'm sure (not to sound pessimestic) another issue to be had. I just hope to get enough sleep to recharge my battery. Reinforcements are on thier way. My parents will be here in about 48 hours, and they've NEVER been so welcome. Now how am I going to conveience them to stay? LOL