The Tragedy and The Privilege

As the new year gets under way, Hubster, Mini-Me, and I are preparing to expand our family through adoption. I remember during the years it took for us to conceive Mini-Me we often heard that if were weren't successful we could always "just adopt." I know people said this because they were trying to give us hope in one day having a child in our home. However, I now know that people who do use that form of encouragement don't have the first damn clue what the hell they are talking about.

To start with you can't "just adopt." It's not like stopping by your local shelter, picking out a cute kid, filling out some forms, and paying a minimal fee that contributes to keep the place running. Aside from the obvious steps like mountains of paperwork and a home study that can feel so intrusive that you are sure you are being investigated by the NSA, there's the many MANY other things you ever thought about.  It starts with what kind of adoption, from where, how much, how to network, where to get reliable accurate information, who is going to look out for your best interest and who is just trying to profit from the industry. Once you have made yourself familiar with these things the biggest kick in the gut hits you. All of this effort, all of this money, all of this emotion and desire for a child requires one very basic thing to happen. Another mother must first lose her child.

I remember a show I watched several year ago. The little boy in it needed a heart transplant. His mother prayed and prayed for a heart to become available to save her son's life. However, the boy didn't want a heart. He was so angry with his mother for praying for him to live. When a priest came and spoke with the boy as to why he felt this way the boy said, "My mother prays for a heart for me. She asks God to send one, but I know she is really praying for some other kid to die so that I can live. How does your God feel about that, Father?"

It has come to my heart that in the case of an adoption, my prayers for God to send a child to me, for God to place us in the path of a child who needs us, I am essentially asking for the failed relationship of another mother with her child.  Even if a young girl were to choose us to raise her baby, there will always be that loss for her. There will always be that missing link for our child. How do I pray for that kind of traumatic thing to happen to a young girl?  If our child comes to us through the foster system, then it is because a parent hasn't been able to care for them. How do I pray for a family to be so damaged, so broken, with possibly drugs or abuse having been endured in order for me to have another child?  How does my God feel about that?

It almost feels selfish. It is something that came out of no where, that I never even considered, that I now have to find a way to make peace with. I know that those things are going to happen with or without us pursuing adoption. I know that there are many children who will need a good, loving, forever home. I know this. I know that I can give a child that. I can take away the pain of being neglected or abused. I can provide for a child who may have had nothing had their mother not made that decision in their best interest. I know this. I just don't know how to process it all in my heart.

I know God is with me through all of this. I know that in the end it is His will that shall be done, and that if another child is to be in my future, to call me "mom," that He will guide me to make that happen. He will give my heart peace with the process and He will make sure I never forget the sacrifice that has happened.