Behind the Mirror On the Wall

Years ago I suffered from terrible insomnia. I went night after night after night without any decent sleep. Finally, I sought help from my doctor. His response: There's a great new drug on the market that's non-habit forming. Here, I'll give you a prescription. Take it at bedtime. So I began the nightly dose of medicine that didn't make me sleep so much as it made me loose all consciousness. I sleep walked, had conversations I was unaware of, moved things around my house, and all without any memory of any of it! I woke up in the morning refreshed and feeling rested, so I put up with the "side effects."

Fast forward a few years. I was dealing with persistent heartburn. Tums and OTC meds didn't seem to really help. Eventually, as with the insomnia, I turned to a medical professional. His response: Let me just give you a prescription for this heartburn/acid reflux pill and your symptoms will subside. Take it once a day in the mornings. So I added it to the mirrored cabinet above my sink and took it each morning followed by the sleep aid each night.

A few years after I gave birth to our beautiful Mini Me. Then the dark could of postpartum depression set in. I didn't even realize how bad it was until my daughter was almost 5 months old. I was advised that this was very common and that my regular physician could help. I made an appointment and went in. During this appointment I informed my Dr that I was currently taking a pill in the a.m. for heartburn and one in the the p.m. for insomnia. Her remedy for my current state: I'm going to put you on an anti-depressant. Take this once a day and we can "up the dose" in a few months if necessary.
So...now I had an additional p.m. pill to keep my sleep aid company in the mirrored cabinet. I was getting quite the collection going!

As my daughter got older she began to have issues of her own. In passing it was mentioned to me to really watch her dietary intake and see if certain foods caused adverse effects on her and her behavior. It had never occurred to me that something like milk or sugar or animal products could cause my child to feel or behave differently. Why had a doctor not mentioned this? We'd seen half a dozen by this time.

Then it dawned on me that in all the years I had gone to the doctor, NEVER had ANY of them ever inquired about my eating habits!  It seemed so obvious that all of the things I had been pumping chemicals into my body to alleviate MAY be able to be taken care of simply by changing what I put into my body. I started reading as much as I could. While I am fortunate to live in an age of instant, accessible information, the Internet provides such conflicting information.

So I took the next step. I expanded my education and got certified as a Nutrition and Wellness Consultant. It was a 6 month, in depth course that taught me so much about how our bodies process the foods we put into it and the effects of such foods. Why with a 6 month course did I seem to know more about this connection than those I had turned to who carried a medical school degree?

So I went to the mirror, opened it and took out the now basket full of pills. At just 30 years old I was regularly taking SIX different medications for one thing or another. I stared at the orange bottles before me and thought...this can't be right.

I started looking further, reading about what foods cause the issues I was dealing with. I looked for certain foods that could aid in my ailments so just maybe I didn't have to keep putting these synthetic substances into my system. I started small, I made some changes and I started to feel better, much better. In fact, over time, I felt so much better I didn't realize how shitty I had been feeling!

I'm not completely free of the little orange bottles behind the mirror, but I am down to just one! It's a whole lot easier to keep track of and accept. I used to be really angry that none of the doctors I had seen ever told me that there was another way. However, being mad at them doesn't make me feel any better so all I can do is share my story and hope maybe it helps someone else.

The Tragedy and The Privilege

As the new year gets under way, Hubster, Mini-Me, and I are preparing to expand our family through adoption. I remember during the years it took for us to conceive Mini-Me we often heard that if were weren't successful we could always "just adopt." I know people said this because they were trying to give us hope in one day having a child in our home. However, I now know that people who do use that form of encouragement don't have the first damn clue what the hell they are talking about.

To start with you can't "just adopt." It's not like stopping by your local shelter, picking out a cute kid, filling out some forms, and paying a minimal fee that contributes to keep the place running. Aside from the obvious steps like mountains of paperwork and a home study that can feel so intrusive that you are sure you are being investigated by the NSA, there's the many MANY other things you ever thought about.  It starts with what kind of adoption, from where, how much, how to network, where to get reliable accurate information, who is going to look out for your best interest and who is just trying to profit from the industry. Once you have made yourself familiar with these things the biggest kick in the gut hits you. All of this effort, all of this money, all of this emotion and desire for a child requires one very basic thing to happen. Another mother must first lose her child.

I remember a show I watched several year ago. The little boy in it needed a heart transplant. His mother prayed and prayed for a heart to become available to save her son's life. However, the boy didn't want a heart. He was so angry with his mother for praying for him to live. When a priest came and spoke with the boy as to why he felt this way the boy said, "My mother prays for a heart for me. She asks God to send one, but I know she is really praying for some other kid to die so that I can live. How does your God feel about that, Father?"

It has come to my heart that in the case of an adoption, my prayers for God to send a child to me, for God to place us in the path of a child who needs us, I am essentially asking for the failed relationship of another mother with her child.  Even if a young girl were to choose us to raise her baby, there will always be that loss for her. There will always be that missing link for our child. How do I pray for that kind of traumatic thing to happen to a young girl?  If our child comes to us through the foster system, then it is because a parent hasn't been able to care for them. How do I pray for a family to be so damaged, so broken, with possibly drugs or abuse having been endured in order for me to have another child?  How does my God feel about that?

It almost feels selfish. It is something that came out of no where, that I never even considered, that I now have to find a way to make peace with. I know that those things are going to happen with or without us pursuing adoption. I know that there are many children who will need a good, loving, forever home. I know this. I know that I can give a child that. I can take away the pain of being neglected or abused. I can provide for a child who may have had nothing had their mother not made that decision in their best interest. I know this. I just don't know how to process it all in my heart.

I know God is with me through all of this. I know that in the end it is His will that shall be done, and that if another child is to be in my future, to call me "mom," that He will guide me to make that happen. He will give my heart peace with the process and He will make sure I never forget the sacrifice that has happened.

Day 1, Chapter 2014

As it is an unavoidable tradition, the end of one year and the beginning of another always brings on a time of reflection and the promise of possibility. I have never been one to make resolutions. Actually I think the only one I ever made was to quit smoking. I have, so I guess that one worked. To be honest, I cannot list all the things that happened to me in 2013, good or bad. I'm sure that's because I spent most of the year just trying to get through, day to day. Hanging on to yesterday or hoping for tomorrow was beyond my capacity of function.

2014 holds a lot of possibility, as has every year before it. Hubster and I have a couple hopes and dreams we pray will materialize before year's end. However, if they don't we are still overly blessed to be together and life is good!

So here's to the next chapter, to simplification, to expanding, to reaching beyond our "known" and embracing all the new that we will be faced with. Happy new year, folks!