My Tree

10 years ago I was on the verge of 30, had been married just shy of 12 years, had a very young daughter, and didn't feel like I really had any direction for myself. Putting all of this into an image in my mind it was like my life was a tree, each leaf a piece of myself and what I was living. There were a few green leaves that I still strived to keep alive.  They provided me shade and shelter. However, most of the tree consisted of dried out, brown leaves that barely hung on. They were superficial relationships, half hearted attempts at work, a longing to move, to live elsewhere, to experience something, anything, new. I knew the slightest breeze or shake of the ground could send them all tumbling.  I stood under that tree. My soul felt as dead and lifeless as each browning leaf. 

That summer, on a hot day in July, the wind blasted through and the ground rumbled hard. Trauma found me when our best friend was killed by a sniper in Afghanistan. In a matter of moments I began to process how to support my husband as he was called to escort Shaun home, how to proceed with Shaun's family as I was living in his house at the time, how to reel in the thoughts that this was the mirror of what could play out with Matt during any one of his many deployments, and how to grieve for my own loss of a friend who supported us so much and provided such joy and laughter in our lives. 

Looking back now, I see that I was unable to digest all of this at once. Seeing that this one moment had shaken my tree almost completely bare, I stood in the pile of leaves now at my feet, rustling and crunching with my movement. I lit the proverbial match, dropped it onto ground and watched my metaphorical tree go up in flames. It happened faster than I expected. It burned hotter than I imagined it would. I watched as the things I hadn't nurtured or given enough to were consumed by the heat and left as ashes. I wondered what would remain when it was all done. My marriage?  Friendships? My own sense of direction in life? All of those had suffered before I ever lit that match.  Would any of them survive?

It took a good while for the pile of ashes to stop smoldering and for the ground to cool. Standing in the middle of the remains of that tree I was ankle deep in a pile of ashes next to a stump. It still stood, bare, black, but alive. Then I noticed a small green bud coming from a branch. It uncurled and became the brightest leaf I'd ever seen. I marveled at it and admired it. It gave me hope. Then after some time another bud, and another leaf. Small blades of grass grew up from the ground through the ashes, between my toes. I even allowed myself to laugh as they did. I hadn't really laughed in so long. I began to feel some peace again. I looked forward to the next bud and what leaf it would develop into.  Occasionally a bud would never fully form.  It would die and drop.  I was OK with that. It wasn't something meant to be for the long haul.  

So here I am, 10 years has passed.  Some of what was left in that pile of ashes has bloomed again, and some never came back. It doesn't matter. The leaves on my tree now are strong, green, secure. My marriage, that first bud to grow back, is my focus.  My daughter is still there, and a new bud in the form of our son came about unexpectedly.  Our Goddaughter entered my life and brought with her so much joy and love. I found my calling, what I'm good at, and what I want to do.  Some of those superficial relationships are gone forever, and a few of them came back stronger than I ever imagined. They are the friends and family that were meant to be in my life. They are the ones worth trying for. 

I care more for my tree now.  I prune it as necessary so it stays strong and healthy. I don't allow it to become full of ugly, unappreciated leaves that will dry up and drop away. I've learned how to know many, but truly love only a few.  I've learned how to prioritize what my heart wants. I've learned that I don't ever again what to strike that match.  

I needed that cleansing, that devastation, that rebuilding. I needed to start over to really see where I was and where I was going. I hate that it took such a loss to be the accelerant.  Sometimes that's what life hands you. Trauma that cuts you down to the core and gives you that fresh start. I still miss our friend, and I will forever remember the pain of that time.  However, I know that the way I came out the other side of it all has made me stronger and more purposeful. For that I am thankful. 

The Evolution of Friendship

I was recently asked about friendships that deteriorate over time leaving one person to feel as though they are no longer valued in a particular friendship.  This got me thinking and reflecting on the friendships I have formed, nurtured, and even lost over the last 25 years.

In a world of ever changing lifestyles, jobs, locations, and so much more, it is inevitable that not all friendships are going to stand the test of time and go the distance. I cannot even remember the names of some of the people that, at one point in my life, I considered friends or how/why the relationship took a turn down separate paths. Sometimes there really is no set event or encounter that causes a friendship to evolve or dissolve. Other times it's very clear why things took a turn.

Either way, I believe it is completely natural for this to happen. We don't leave this world with every person we ever called a friend by our bedside holding our hand. There's a reason for that. We aren't meant to!  There's a bit done by Tyler Perry that explains it so well. Friends are equated to leaves, branches, and roots. It's explained in a caring and easy to accept kind of way. I, myself, can remember a few friends who I used to spend every singe day with. We never went a day without talking and I thought, at the time, they would always be like this in my life. However, some of those friends have grown in other directions, some have dropped me with no explanation, and one even told me to never bother speaking to her again. Did that all hurt? Yes, but I got over it. Letting those friendships go opened more time and energy for me to develop new friendships, some of which mean more to me than any of those ever did.

Had I spent time and energy trying to hang on to a friendship that was obviously over, I would have missed that opportunity to meet someone new! In a conversation several years after the falling out I had with one of those dear friends, I made a comment about how it was strange how our friendship wasn't as close as it once had been. She simply replied..."We don't need it to be."  How very true. While we would never have back the same type of relationship, we were still friends in a way that we needed each other to be at this time. That was probably the most comforting thought ever!  We had been able to fight, grow, and age, taking a break from each other, and coming back still caring for one another. It was just facilitated in a very different way than originally.

So in the end, I think there are always going to be a lot of people we call friends in a lifetime. However, like the seasons change, so do our relationships and that is just fine. Let go of the ones when you see it's time for them to go. Continue to be kind, and friendly.  Just turn your focus on those who may be the ones to go the long haul.

Webster defines friend as: a favored companion. It's unrealistic to think you can be everyone's favorite!

My Mistake, Not Yours

Trust. There's a word that can take on many meanings. Broken trust. That's a phrase that can show itself in many different forms. By nature, I believe we are creatures inclined to trust each other. Of course, it's those closest to us we are drawn to trust the most.  However, it's when we have been hurt by those people that it cuts the deepest.

In general, I am not a person to sit and worry about what others think of me. I love my life, I am blessed beyond measure, and I see little reason to spend my valued time pondering the opinions of others. I said "in general."

I am also human, and there are certain people I have opened my life to that I would expect a higher level of maturity and respect from. Respect in the form of not talking about me behind my back.  Respect in the form of coming to me if you have a problem with me. Respect in the form of not posing as one who loves and cares for my children and family only to show truer colors when in certain company. Respect in the form of not hurting those I love dearly!  It's OK though. Some people just can't help who they are, and see no error in their ways. I can accept that. However, I was raised better than to allow those kind of people into my inner circle again, and will inevitably pull away over time.

The thing these kind of people fail to realize is that they aren't slick. They aren't operating without notice. There are a lot of us on to you, and on to the things you say about all of us. There's an old saying that goes, "If someone will talk about others to you, they will talk about you to others."  Might want to make sure you know your audience.

Long Overdue Thoughts

Once upon a time, I used to write. Daily, unforgivably, and with purpose, I would put my thoughts down for others to read. I provoked reactions, and offered insight. For whatever reason, I have gotten away from the ritual and habit of doing this. I miss it, and as a new year has arrived, I resolve to return to it. Writing, for me, is a release of frustration, a calling to be heard, and a means to reflect. So join me as I begin again, again. Follow this blog to enter the gates of my inner workings and get to know me better. Watch as I transform this space again to match my place in time as it stands. Hear stories of hope, struggle, and experience random thoughts that are sure to make you laugh. Welcome to 2018, and the revival of my writing!

Completely Random Religion Rant

I have to say, my favorite Christians are the ones who aren't afraid to be real. They openly admit they, like everyone else, are flawed. Our little coffee shop church in Washington had a "slogan" of No Perfect People Allowed. In other words, Everyone Welcome. Our pastor gave sermons in his Cowboys jersey if they were playing that day. His wife allowed others to see her struggle as a parent. They were real. They argued, and had debt, and flirted with each other, and sometimes fell flat.

A dear friend from high school went into the ministry, and I believe is one of the best witnesses God can have on this earth. He lives selflessly, lovingly, and with compassion. His wife and kids are as giving and loving as he is. Yet, they are not afraid of being real. They get mad at flat tires, and annoyed by the day to day sometimes.

I think when church leaders become "holier than thou" in the eyes of their congregation, they set up their people for failure. They give an unrealistic example of what kind of life you should lead. I've seen this in a church I attended as a kid, and it led to a very skewed view of what it meant to be a Christian.

I guess I'm trying to say I am grateful for those Christians I have met that curse from time to time, and break out a beer on the deck, or maybe have a tattoo or a gay brother.  The Christians who stand up for those in need, or give of them self until they are beat, who live a life LIKE Jesus in showing he broke bread with more sinners than saints. They are accepting, of all.

Feeding and Housing a Small Army: Level, Expert

As we wind down the foster parent training and gear up for the holiday season, I may have gotten myself in over my head. In the excitement of our new home, I invited EVERYONE on both sides of our family to our place for Thanksgiving. Much to my surprise, most all RSVPed they would be making the trip out to see us! Fantastic!

However, that means not only housing 20+ additional people, but feeding them too!  Time to break out the apron, recipe books, grocery list binder, and get creative. Thanks to the internet, and sites like Pinterest, feeding a large crowd isn't too hard to do.  Aside from the big Thanksgiving meal, we will be enjoying a lot of crock pot style meals and/or hot sandwiches and soups. I couldn't be more in my element!

I love hosting! My sister in laws refer to me as "Monica" paying homage to not only my personality, but my love of the show Friends. I've embraced the fun behind the humor of it, and am totally OK with letting myself be a bit of an over organized control freak.  Case in point: I began the menu for Thanksgiving dinner weeks ago and have already stocked up on non-perishables.

As I enter the last week before their arrival and the fun begins, I am making last changes to turkey roasting techniques (to brine or not to brine, that is the question.) I am also starting to feel some anxiety about where everyone will sleep. I'd love to be able to offer each couple their own room, but our new home's basement is still unfinished so it may prove to be a summer camp situation with all of us on air mattresses in the living room! *Deep breaths. They know this isn't the Marriott. Where'd I put the Xanax?*

Either way, I know that I will be blessed to be with those who I love the most in the world, and we will have a wonderful time full of laughs.  Stay tuned....

Seriously? There is such a thing as a "Professional Parent."

So back at the beginning of the year, our family had decided to expand through adoption. We began the process of home study and paperwork for a private adoption in the state of WA. Then this summer we found out that we would be relocating over 1400 miles away from the Puget Sound. So this process was put on hold until we were settled in our new location.

We closed on our hew home in August and after unpacking, hauling away boxes, and finding a home for everything, we were ready to pick up where we had left off. However, our hearts had a bit of a shift. While we still wanted to add to our family, we were feeling the pull to look at fostering as an option.

Thus began a VERY new chapter for us! We found an AMAZING agency here in the state and began our journey toward the role of foster parents. The process, we were told, takes most people 4-6 months to complete. Being the overachievers we strive to be, we will complete our process this week. Start to finish, 5 weeks!

We have learned so much in a very short time. We have seen the best and worst of humanity toward children in our area. We have met some of the most wonderful, Christian, couples! We love the support our agency offers us through the entire process and way beyond. They require almost double the amount of hours for licensing compared to the state required minimum. That speaks volumes to their commitment to providing the best they can for these kids.

As we come into the home stretch before our first placement, we are adding swing sets, beds, extra toothbrushes/towels, and much more to our new home. It's very strange to imagine our home with more than our one child, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I've got in the cart, put on my belt, listened to the safety brief, and am now pulling away from the platform. I have no idea which direction I will be pulled first, or how fast the first big drop will be. I am excited, nervous, determined, and a million other indescribable emotions right now.  Only thing I know for sure is whether it is for 5 days, five months, or the rest of their life: for as long as I get to care for any child, it will be a privilege to give them the best I can during that time.